Tag Archives: leaving

Losing Control of Life

Today is horribly sad. It’s the last day I will ever sit on this couch… gaze out the sliding glass door… hear the whir of the dishwasher… and a million other everyday experiences I have taken for granted the past 3 years.

Isn’t it strange how I’ve never thought about any experience as possibly being the last… until now. My heart is empty and my soul is broken. There are no words to describe exactly what I’m feeling in this moment. Today is the day my life forever changes.

I am having so many emotions and thoughts go through my mind. The- what if’s, the why me, why now, how could I have changed, why didn’t I do this better or that differently, what did I do to deserve this- type of questions.

The truth is simple but not easy to understand: I will never know the answer to any of those questions.

My illnesses (at this point it doesn’t matter what they are) have taken over my life and I am so mad at them. They have taken away my hopes and my dreams, they are changing my life drastically and not in a good way.

I don’t know how to make any of this into a positive experience. There is nothing positive about having no control over what is happening to me.

I don’t want to leave this place. I don’t want to leave my soulmate, my best friend, the one who vowed to be there with me “through sickness and health”. 

I have no choice. I want to scream and beg and plead at the top of my lungs until he wraps me in his arms and tells me everything will be ok. But he won’t,  because it’s not going to be ok.