Tag Archives: illness

Update on Life

Some of you have been immensely kind with your concern and curiosity of my well-being since my April 3rd post.

If you have no idea what I’m talking about, you can read that post here or find something more interesting to read 😉

I’m starting to feel again. Feel what? I’m not entirely sure, but for a little bit I was just… numb. So feeling anything could be called progress I suppose.

I have the desire to write again, though I can’t promise the quality of my writing. Or that I’ll have anything interesting to write. But I want to try. That counts for something, right?

I’m learning things about myself that I never knew. The realization that I never really knew who I was… I can’t even describe what that feels like.

I’m spending time on the important things in life, when I’m able to.

I don’t think I have much else to say for now other than I’m still alive. One more thing though-

I know it’s hard to see when you are in the moment of your own life, but try to take a step back and look at the big picture.
Are you making a big deal about things that you won’t even remember next week?
Are you living your life or are you just being complacent?
Do your loved ones know how you feel about them?
Are you making the most of what really matterss?

Those are questions I wish I had asked myself more, questions that I’m trying to ask myself every day now… because maybe it isn’t too late, even though, for me it feels like it.

I didn’t mean for this post to turn in the direction it did, but maybe it was meant to help someone see a little more clearly in their life what I couldn’t see in my own.

In a split second, everything you’ve ever known can be taken away. Don’t take what you have for granted.


Losing Control of Life

Today is horribly sad. It’s the last day I will ever sit on this couch… gaze out the sliding glass door… hear the whir of the dishwasher… and a million other everyday experiences I have taken for granted the past 3 years.

Isn’t it strange how I’ve never thought about any experience as possibly being the last… until now. My heart is empty and my soul is broken. There are no words to describe exactly what I’m feeling in this moment. Today is the day my life forever changes.

I am having so many emotions and thoughts go through my mind. The- what if’s, the why me, why now, how could I have changed, why didn’t I do this better or that differently, what did I do to deserve this- type of questions.

The truth is simple but not easy to understand: I will never know the answer to any of those questions.

My illnesses (at this point it doesn’t matter what they are) have taken over my life and I am so mad at them. They have taken away my hopes and my dreams, they are changing my life drastically and not in a good way.

I don’t know how to make any of this into a positive experience. There is nothing positive about having no control over what is happening to me.

I don’t want to leave this place. I don’t want to leave my soulmate, my best friend, the one who vowed to be there with me “through sickness and health”. 

I have no choice. I want to scream and beg and plead at the top of my lungs until he wraps me in his arms and tells me everything will be ok. But he won’t,  because it’s not going to be ok.