Tag Archives: depression

Untitled Blog Post #2

As you can tell, I’m being extremely creative in thinking up post titles!

So, I’m trying to make myself write a post every day again. Although I would like to let Addy take over this blog, and she would do an amazing job and be brilliant, it was pointed out to me that I, the human, have more interesting things to say.

Of course, Addy got completely offended, but it did make me really think about some things. I have had a lot of unusual experiences in my lifetime so far. Some good,  many bad, and a few that I would have never believed could actually happen, had I not personally been there.

I feel like I’m on an emotional roller coaster and i have no idea how to harness that and use it to start making posts of any substance, but I should at least try.

I think one of the main problems is that my style of writing relies heavily on humor and sarcasm, and being gripped by depression has taken away most of those abilities,  or at least the drive to write that way.

Now I’m feeling like I’m not even making any sense. This is so hard to describe when I don’t understand it myself!

I’m not going to take the blog away from Addy, but I’m no longer considering giving up my part of it either. Maybe someone out there does need to hear about my experiences…


Today is a New Day

It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything.  I’ve been very ill… In bed for weeks. The pain and depression has been unreal, but today I woke up determined to snap out of it.

Thanks to my wonderful husband, who has been so encouraging to me even though I’ve been an emotional crazy mess!

I feel almost as though I’m waking out of a thick fog…

I don’t have much to say, I just wanted to write SOMETHING to make myself feel as though I still exist…

Addycat has been right by my side this whole time, she’s the best kitteh ever!!!
image


Things I Need to Get Out

I don’t know myself anymore.  I blame my illnesses, and yes… mostly they are to blame and I have the right to blame them. But part of me blames myself… and others.

I am not strong enough. I used to be the rock that kept everything together, the glue that bound it all up. I used to be strong… stronger anyway. I was very good at pretending to be stronger than I was. I was very good at pretending life was perfect.

Something very bad happened in my life, when I was about 24. It changed me, broke me in every way possible,  chewed me up and spit me out in pieces. I can’t talk about that now. It’s just too much… but it’s important to note that this event occurred.

Perfect life turned completely upside down and inside out. I lost everything… even my very soul.

I was able to pull it together somewhat on the outside after a couple of years, but the person I was before the horrific event… that person is forever gone.

I’m screwed up in the head, you see. I’m worthless… I’m a piece of trash too insignificant for anyone to even bother picking up or even kicking aside. No matter how many times anyone tries to convince me otherwise, I still know it’s true.  Because I’m the one who has to live with myself… it’s easy for someone who doesn’t even know you to try and make it okay with simple words.

I have abused myself in ways I can’t even describe.  Pain… I deserve all the pain… I need the punishment for being such a piece of shit. Punishment from myself,  punishment from others, punishment from my illnesses…

I let people emotionally abuse me. I deserve it. One person in particular really.  The only one I’ve ever let get close enough to me for it to really hurt… to cause emotional stabbing and beating and slicing and scarring… not just a sting from someone who doesn’t matter.

This person really fucking matters and I’m not even sure why sometimes.  I love him. Well, in the only way I know how to love… which obviously isn’t ever right or nearly enough… but still.

The only person who I can never completely push away… always within reaching distance… even though I know in my mind the emotional abuse is very bad for me… but still, I love him and he’s always there for me. Even when he’s not. I know that doesn’t make sense to anyone who happens to read it… I can’t find the right words to even begin to explain what that means or how it feels.

I am on an emotional roller coaster.  He has the controls and I’m sitting in the seat… but I’m blindfolded,  so I can’t see what’s coming next. Is it going to be calm and level?
Going uphill and getting better, more excitement and happiness, feeling high on the world, only to be dropped hundreds of feet and landing there alone at the end of the ride, disappointed that it’s over, that it ended suddenly,  that it hurt so much when it jolted to a stop, but still getting excited because this roller coaster is never ending and my brain can’t wrap around the thought that it is going to end up being the exact same thing every time…

That’s what loving him and being with him is like. Yet I can’t get off the ride. Ever. He has the controls and never stops long enough for me to leave the amusement park. And even if I did leave it, I’d be back. Because that’s where I want and need to be. It’s the only place I feel safe and secure, even though it’s the most dangerous place for me to be.

It wasn’t like this in the beginning of Us. I had a good job and good benefits,  so did he. We had so much fun together. He helped me as I began picking up the pieces of my shattered life.

Then I got sick. So sick. Two brain surgeries and multiple diagnoses later left me unable to work and in tremendous pain. Once again, just as life had started looking good… it ended almost as quickly as it began.

Depression overtook me. Apparently I became an abuser as much as I was an abusee. And I don’t think I even realized it at the time. I just remember feeling numb… nothing… he says I laid in bed for 2 years. I’m sure I wasn’t pleasant. It took a toll on him too… I do remember his abuse… just not mine.

I’m yet a different person now than I was before I got sick. So I don’t know who I am anymore… at all.

I am in too much pain… physically,  mentally, emotionally. He and I live in separate states now… but we’re still together. When he visits, it’s good. When he’s gone it turns to shit and I’m left unable to even talk to him on the phone because he turns into the abuser again.


I’m Not Liking This…

I really dislike this time of year. I think I have seasonal depression,  if that’s actually a thing. It hit me a couple days ago as I was outside with the puppy… I think.

The weather makes me feel blah. Although I love nighttime and darkness, I hate that our days are getting so short.

I despise the upcoming holidays, which have been completely ruined by consumerism. I don’t even acknowledge the holidays until new years eve, which was fun going downtown okc for the big party with CM. I don’t know what will happen this new years eve.

Honestly, if I could hibernate until then, I would. Every October I get in this state of depression and it doesn’t relent until spring. I have a long wait ahead of me.

Once upon a time I loved all the seasons. But I was young,  my kids were small.

Life has taken me to thousands of different places since then. I think some of the most difficult times for me have happened in these few months and maybe I just get triggered each year around this time…

This post is going nowhere. I have a long drive to the dr in the morning so I guess I’ll try to sleep…


Trying to Find the Words

No, this post isn’t about a crossword puzzle, although the way I feel can be more confusing than one at times.

I’ve had another bad day. Not a bad bad day, but bad enough. High pain levels and wonky emotions.

I seriously wish that all the people in my life could experience,  for just enough time to really understand,  what I go through each day. I don’t wish this permanently for anyone of course, but no one realizes that simple tasks are NOT simple for me anymore.

Pain rules my life. It has been raining today, so the pain in most of my joints is even worse than usual.

I expend energy, which I barely have, on the urgent tasks and if I even manage to get through them, I am done. Sometimes for days, depending on the situation.

Then there are days when I can’t even force myself to do basic everyday things, let alone anything urgent.

Then depression from pain, lack of consistent sleep and the fact that I can no longer function normally, sets in.

It’s a vicious cycle. Stress makes my symptoms worse.

Now, I have plainly stated this to everyone in my real life, yet people continue to try to start drama and have impossibly high expectations of me.

I can’t find the magic words to say, that will make people understand. Or at least try to. Or even give a shit, some of them.

I know this isn’t a very inspiring post… at all… but if any of you are going through this, know that I’m right there with you. If you want to vent or talk about it, leave a comment.

I’m going to next post about some of the ways I cope with this issue, because this post is already getting a little long. Here is a preview of one of my coping “methods”

image

Can you guess what it is? =^..^=


Today

Today has been darkened by a relentless stream of tears. Panic and fear grip my chest until I can barely breathe.

My mind is tangled with unwanted thoughts. The need for escape from it is physically painful. Solitude and loneliness are my only constant companions.

My stomach churns, revolted by the acts and agendas of human beings,  people who are linked to me in a chain I desperately want to break.

I’m searching for comfort but find none. Longing for understanding, empathy or even a tiny glimpse of humanity.

There is none.


Loneliness…

For some reason I woke up feeling very sad and alone. I’m so tired of being a ghost of who I once was.

I know I’m supposed to be positive and think of gratitude… be thankful for what I can do… blah blah blah… but right now, seriously, I just don’t give a fuck.

That might seem harsh coming from me, but it’s the reality of where I’m at right now… and where I’m not.

Here is some music for your listening pleasure… it’s my life’s theme song now.


Losing Control of Life

Today is horribly sad. It’s the last day I will ever sit on this couch… gaze out the sliding glass door… hear the whir of the dishwasher… and a million other everyday experiences I have taken for granted the past 3 years.

Isn’t it strange how I’ve never thought about any experience as possibly being the last… until now. My heart is empty and my soul is broken. There are no words to describe exactly what I’m feeling in this moment. Today is the day my life forever changes.

I am having so many emotions and thoughts go through my mind. The- what if’s, the why me, why now, how could I have changed, why didn’t I do this better or that differently, what did I do to deserve this- type of questions.

The truth is simple but not easy to understand: I will never know the answer to any of those questions.

My illnesses (at this point it doesn’t matter what they are) have taken over my life and I am so mad at them. They have taken away my hopes and my dreams, they are changing my life drastically and not in a good way.

I don’t know how to make any of this into a positive experience. There is nothing positive about having no control over what is happening to me.

I don’t want to leave this place. I don’t want to leave my soulmate, my best friend, the one who vowed to be there with me “through sickness and health”. 

I have no choice. I want to scream and beg and plead at the top of my lungs until he wraps me in his arms and tells me everything will be ok. But he won’t,  because it’s not going to be ok.


I am Scared…

So. I haven’t made a substantial post in awhile. I have not been feeling well… to the point that I can’t function. Literally.

I have been on strong pain medication for some time now and I was almost convinced that my symptoms were because of them. I went to my dr today because I can’t live like this anymore.

Here it comes again… just like before, before I was diagnosed. Tests, blood work,  referrals, try this, maybe it will help if you do this…

I’m sorry, I know this is a depressing post. There really isn’t a point to it. Maybe I just needed to vent and it came out in a post.

Maybe I’m hoping that soneone else who has Chiari Malformation and Syringomyelia might happen to read this because no one else understands what I am going through. Kat


Attention: Any and All Health Issues

This is very important to me, so I will address it right now. If you are reading this and have ANY type of health issue, please follow me and message me. I have listed some of my health issues in my About Me page. I want to help others who have suffered with health issues the way I have, no matter what the issue is. I have felt so alone in my journey, and I know what it’s like to be misunderstood by everyone in my life. I want you to know, that whatever you are going through, you are NOT alone.

I am not a doctor. I am disabled. I will help you in any way that I can. I know how to find the correct resources for many health concerns and if I don’t know of one, I will do everything I can to find one for you.

I am very open-minded and truly care about YOU, I will never judge, I will always speak from my heart and with love.

Ok, all that being said… I’m not quite sure how this blogging thing is gonna go. I have so many topics I want to write about and so much time on my hands to do it in. I can see this getting confusing very fast. I will probably have a separate blog for my product reviews, Vox Box reviews, Birchbox reviews, etc. I will keep this one focused on anyone who needs someone to listen, someone to care.

So for the time being, until I see what kind of following I will get for different subjects, please bear with me. If you follow me and see a random blog about something other than health (physical and/or mental and emotional), don’t freak out and think you have made a mistake. Feel free to read if you like. Everything I write about is something I directly relate to, so maybe you will as well!