Tag Archives: anxiety

Trying to Find the Words

No, this post isn’t about a crossword puzzle, although the way I feel can be more confusing than one at times.

I’ve had another bad day. Not a bad bad day, but bad enough. High pain levels and wonky emotions.

I seriously wish that all the people in my life could experience,  for just enough time to really understand,  what I go through each day. I don’t wish this permanently for anyone of course, but no one realizes that simple tasks are NOT simple for me anymore.

Pain rules my life. It has been raining today, so the pain in most of my joints is even worse than usual.

I expend energy, which I barely have, on the urgent tasks and if I even manage to get through them, I am done. Sometimes for days, depending on the situation.

Then there are days when I can’t even force myself to do basic everyday things, let alone anything urgent.

Then depression from pain, lack of consistent sleep and the fact that I can no longer function normally, sets in.

It’s a vicious cycle. Stress makes my symptoms worse.

Now, I have plainly stated this to everyone in my real life, yet people continue to try to start drama and have impossibly high expectations of me.

I can’t find the magic words to say, that will make people understand. Or at least try to. Or even give a shit, some of them.

I know this isn’t a very inspiring post… at all… but if any of you are going through this, know that I’m right there with you. If you want to vent or talk about it, leave a comment.

I’m going to next post about some of the ways I cope with this issue, because this post is already getting a little long. Here is a preview of one of my coping “methods”

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Can you guess what it is? =^..^=


Today

Today has been darkened by a relentless stream of tears. Panic and fear grip my chest until I can barely breathe.

My mind is tangled with unwanted thoughts. The need for escape from it is physically painful. Solitude and loneliness are my only constant companions.

My stomach churns, revolted by the acts and agendas of human beings,  people who are linked to me in a chain I desperately want to break.

I’m searching for comfort but find none. Longing for understanding, empathy or even a tiny glimpse of humanity.

There is none.


Losing Control of Life

Today is horribly sad. It’s the last day I will ever sit on this couch… gaze out the sliding glass door… hear the whir of the dishwasher… and a million other everyday experiences I have taken for granted the past 3 years.

Isn’t it strange how I’ve never thought about any experience as possibly being the last… until now. My heart is empty and my soul is broken. There are no words to describe exactly what I’m feeling in this moment. Today is the day my life forever changes.

I am having so many emotions and thoughts go through my mind. The- what if’s, the why me, why now, how could I have changed, why didn’t I do this better or that differently, what did I do to deserve this- type of questions.

The truth is simple but not easy to understand: I will never know the answer to any of those questions.

My illnesses (at this point it doesn’t matter what they are) have taken over my life and I am so mad at them. They have taken away my hopes and my dreams, they are changing my life drastically and not in a good way.

I don’t know how to make any of this into a positive experience. There is nothing positive about having no control over what is happening to me.

I don’t want to leave this place. I don’t want to leave my soulmate, my best friend, the one who vowed to be there with me “through sickness and health”. 

I have no choice. I want to scream and beg and plead at the top of my lungs until he wraps me in his arms and tells me everything will be ok. But he won’t,  because it’s not going to be ok.


I am Scared…

So. I haven’t made a substantial post in awhile. I have not been feeling well… to the point that I can’t function. Literally.

I have been on strong pain medication for some time now and I was almost convinced that my symptoms were because of them. I went to my dr today because I can’t live like this anymore.

Here it comes again… just like before, before I was diagnosed. Tests, blood work,  referrals, try this, maybe it will help if you do this…

I’m sorry, I know this is a depressing post. There really isn’t a point to it. Maybe I just needed to vent and it came out in a post.

Maybe I’m hoping that soneone else who has Chiari Malformation and Syringomyelia might happen to read this because no one else understands what I am going through. Kat


December Birchbox…

My December Birchbox was in my mailbox today!!! I have NOT opened it yet. I have no idea what is inside. I reallly want to make a video as I open it because you could see my actual first reaction of each product. But… I have a phobia of doing this.  I don’t know why. I guess I will leave it for now until I either get the courage to film it, or I decide it would be too traumatizing, in which case I will take pics as I open and post as soon as possible…

I know, I still need to finish November as well as Vox Box. I will try to finish those tonight too.

Are you camera shy? Is it weird that it makes me so nervous? Kat


Attention: Any and All Health Issues

This is very important to me, so I will address it right now. If you are reading this and have ANY type of health issue, please follow me and message me. I have listed some of my health issues in my About Me page. I want to help others who have suffered with health issues the way I have, no matter what the issue is. I have felt so alone in my journey, and I know what it’s like to be misunderstood by everyone in my life. I want you to know, that whatever you are going through, you are NOT alone.

I am not a doctor. I am disabled. I will help you in any way that I can. I know how to find the correct resources for many health concerns and if I don’t know of one, I will do everything I can to find one for you.

I am very open-minded and truly care about YOU, I will never judge, I will always speak from my heart and with love.

Ok, all that being said… I’m not quite sure how this blogging thing is gonna go. I have so many topics I want to write about and so much time on my hands to do it in. I can see this getting confusing very fast. I will probably have a separate blog for my product reviews, Vox Box reviews, Birchbox reviews, etc. I will keep this one focused on anyone who needs someone to listen, someone to care.

So for the time being, until I see what kind of following I will get for different subjects, please bear with me. If you follow me and see a random blog about something other than health (physical and/or mental and emotional), don’t freak out and think you have made a mistake. Feel free to read if you like. Everything I write about is something I directly relate to, so maybe you will as well!