I Feel Like I Can’t Breathe… 

I just found out that you’re gone. A post showed up in my fb feed. At first I couldn’t believe it. I wasn’t reading correctly. It was talking about someone else, not you. You just messaged me a few days ago, asking me to text you, that you were in the hospital again. This was nothing new, and I was busy with the toddler and tired from being 36 weeks pregnant and just not in the mood to talk to anyone really. So I never texted you. Never called, messaged, nothing. Now I can’t because you’re gone. 
Guilt hits hard. I haven’t talked to you I was a few months, maybe more. I’m just not good at keeping contact with people. You knew that. It was hard enough being friends when we lived in the same city. These past few years since I moved away made it worse. I’ve never been good at maintaining friendships. I don’t know why. Maybe because it hurts too much when people leave. Like now. 
You were one of the only people I let get really close to me. You knew things about me that I never told anyone else. You were always there for me, but I couldn’t give you the same in return. I tried to do the best that I could. I’m just not capable of what you were. I think deep down you understood that, even though you would be upset and say you didn’t. 
I wish I could have had the chance to tell you how much you meant to me. I mean, I told you… I don’t know if you truly understood the magnitude of what it meant coming from me. I was always grateful for you. Even after we grew apart when I moved away, I still thought about you a lot, good times we shared together, conversations we had, how you tried so hard to pull me out of my shell. And you did manage to pull me out of my shell for awhile, but after the move I regressed. Now I don’t talk to anyone except my kids and fiance. Any social life I have is through social media and that is extremely minimal. I don’t know why I’m this way and it makes no sense that we were so close because you were the complete opposite. 
You were so full of life and joy and I don’t understand why, in this life, people like you get taken away so soon. You were a truly good person and you touched so many lives. I know so many will have a void in their lives now. 
You never got to meet my little boy. I had every intention of coming to visit you so you could meet him. Maybe you are looking down on him now. And me. That’s such a weird thought. Are you? Can you see my tears and feel my raw emotion right now? Is there really a Heaven? If so then I know you’re there. 
It feels so hard to breathe. This must just be a bad dream I’m having. Right? 
It’s not. It’s not a dream. I don’t know what to do with myself right now. I feel scared that I will lose all of the important memories we shared. I feel so confused. Ashamed of myself. Why didn’t I just take a few minutes to call you or text it just… anything but the silence I left for you. 

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About Eli's Mommy

I am a mother and a kitty cat lover. I'm a little girlie and a lot geeky. I would do anything in the world for my children. I've been described with many words, ranging from compassionate to mysterious. I suppose I am a complex person, an old soul from my birth. There is a depth to me that no one has ever come close to experiencing, and probably never will. I wanted so much to become a nurse. I've always wanted to help others. Unfortunately, my life took a very different path. I have a lot of health issues which have left me disabled. That won't stop me from helping other people whenever and however possible. Please, please follow me. You won't be disappointed, I promise! View all posts by Eli's Mommy

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