Losing Control of Life

Today is horribly sad. It’s the last day I will ever sit on this couch… gaze out the sliding glass door… hear the whir of the dishwasher… and a million other everyday experiences I have taken for granted the past 3 years.

Isn’t it strange how I’ve never thought about any experience as possibly being the last… until now. My heart is empty and my soul is broken. There are no words to describe exactly what I’m feeling in this moment. Today is the day my life forever changes.

I am having so many emotions and thoughts go through my mind. The- what if’s, the why me, why now, how could I have changed, why didn’t I do this better or that differently, what did I do to deserve this- type of questions.

The truth is simple but not easy to understand: I will never know the answer to any of those questions.

My illnesses (at this point it doesn’t matter what they are) have taken over my life and I am so mad at them. They have taken away my hopes and my dreams, they are changing my life drastically and not in a good way.

I don’t know how to make any of this into a positive experience. There is nothing positive about having no control over what is happening to me.

I don’t want to leave this place. I don’t want to leave my soulmate, my best friend, the one who vowed to be there with me “through sickness and health”. 

I have no choice. I want to scream and beg and plead at the top of my lungs until he wraps me in his arms and tells me everything will be ok. But he won’t,  because it’s not going to be ok.

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About Eli's Mommy

I am a mother and a kitty cat lover. I'm a little girlie and a lot geeky. I would do anything in the world for my children. I've been described with many words, ranging from compassionate to mysterious. I suppose I am a complex person, an old soul from my birth. There is a depth to me that no one has ever come close to experiencing, and probably never will. I wanted so much to become a nurse. I've always wanted to help others. Unfortunately, my life took a very different path. I have a lot of health issues which have left me disabled. That won't stop me from helping other people whenever and however possible. Please, please follow me. You won't be disappointed, I promise! View all posts by Eli's Mommy

8 responses to “Losing Control of Life

  • producthoochie

    I am so sorry for whatever it is you are suffering from.

  • randomandunheardof

    Hey Kat,

    Whatever it is that you are struggling with I really wish all the best to you, I would appreciate it if you would make some updates about how the entire unknown situation is going but please don’t feel pressured or obligated to do that. I – Again – Wish you all the best.

    Sincerely,

    Your Pal,

  • LifeOfBun

    I wish I knew what to say to this post but it’s hard, as I have no idea what your situation is like.. However the way you describe taking daily things for granted put my mind to thinking..

  • jukk888

    What is really happening? Is it cancer? You brought it up but left us in the dark. Now we want to know. If you can’t share it, it’s ok. I hope that there is a solution.

    • addercatter

      I haven’t blogged in forever. I was diagnosed with a genetic connective tissue disorder, Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. Also, I am going through a divorce due to my health. I will try to write about it all soon. Thanks for asking. 🙂

  • SurenaSays

    Kat, I’m so so so sorry I hadn’t seen this until now. I don’t know what’s happening but I really do think everything will be ok and I mean it.

    Although, we never anticipate it, everything does come with a silver lining and for such a lovely person who seems to be going through so much, I’m sure there will definitely be a big silver lining that will surprise you in time. In the meantime keep strong!

    Please, please email me if you need someone to speak to, I can’t promise a tonne of advice but I’m happy to listen and give as much or as little advice as you need but most of all I know I’m on the opposite side of the world to you and have never met you, but I do fully want to support you through whatever you are going through.

    Sending you big hugs and lots of luck.
    Surena xx

  • zamoracatalina

    I am Bipolar and suffer from General Anxiety. My husband waited an entire year of my illness being really bad, in and out of hospitals and when I got better he asked me for the divorce. I remember thanking him for not doing it while I was sick, I remember thanking him to do it when I was stronger. He went and visited me like clockwork…hmmm…I do feel hate for him for leaving me though…but there is a sense of gratitude too.

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