I’m sitting here alone on the couch, 2 1/2 days away from having my last baby. My thoughts drift off to my last pregnancy, the birth, the first time I saw my child. The first time I held him…
He was in the NICU. I couldn’t see him for 24 hours after birth because I couldn’t get out of bed due to issues from the delivery. When I was finally able to be taken to see him in a wheelchair, I couldn’t hold him because he was still on oxygen in his isolette. That was one of the most difficult times.
When I was finally able to hold him, I remember that he was laying in his isolette, crying, hooked up to lots of tubes and wires. The Instant I took him into my arms and held his tiny 5 pound body against my chest, he calmed and went to sleep. It was incredible. That was all I needed to go from nervous and insecure about taking care of this tiny, fragile being to being confident in my abilities to care for him. The love was indescribable.
Though I hope for a completely different experience in 2 1/2 days as far as the circumstances of birth with this baby, I look forward to experiencing that pure joy, love and the tender, sweet moments that new life brings.
I just found out that you’re gone. A post showed up in my fb feed. At first I couldn’t believe it. I wasn’t reading correctly. It was talking about someone else, not you. You just messaged me a few days ago, asking me to text you, that you were in the hospital again. This was nothing new, and I was busy with the toddler and tired from being 36 weeks pregnant and just not in the mood to talk to anyone really. So I never texted you. Never called, messaged, nothing. Now I can’t because you’re gone.
Guilt hits hard. I haven’t talked to you I was a few months, maybe more. I’m just not good at keeping contact with people. You knew that. It was hard enough being friends when we lived in the same city. These past few years since I moved away made it worse. I’ve never been good at maintaining friendships. I don’t know why. Maybe because it hurts too much when people leave. Like now.
You were one of the only people I let get really close to me. You knew things about me that I never told anyone else. You were always there for me, but I couldn’t give you the same in return. I tried to do the best that I could. I’m just not capable of what you were. I think deep down you understood that, even though you would be upset and say you didn’t.
I wish I could have had the chance to tell you how much you meant to me. I mean, I told you… I don’t know if you truly understood the magnitude of what it meant coming from me. I was always grateful for you. Even after we grew apart when I moved away, I still thought about you a lot, good times we shared together, conversations we had, how you tried so hard to pull me out of my shell. And you did manage to pull me out of my shell for awhile, but after the move I regressed. Now I don’t talk to anyone except my kids and fiance. Any social life I have is through social media and that is extremely minimal. I don’t know why I’m this way and it makes no sense that we were so close because you were the complete opposite.
You were so full of life and joy and I don’t understand why, in this life, people like you get taken away so soon. You were a truly good person and you touched so many lives. I know so many will have a void in their lives now.
You never got to meet my little boy. I had every intention of coming to visit you so you could meet him. Maybe you are looking down on him now. And me. That’s such a weird thought. Are you? Can you see my tears and feel my raw emotion right now? Is there really a Heaven? If so then I know you’re there.
It feels so hard to breathe. This must just be a bad dream I’m having. Right?
It’s not. It’s not a dream. I don’t know what to do with myself right now. I feel scared that I will lose all of the important memories we shared. I feel so confused. Ashamed of myself. Why didn’t I just take a few minutes to call you or text it just… anything but the silence I left for you.
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Come check out my new blog… It’s all about me, Eli and our babywearing adventures!!!
Wrapsody Hybrid is the perfect mix combining the softness of a stretchy wrap and the strength of a woven. It’s one-size length equals about a size 7 which is great because I can do a multitude of different carries and finishes.
This hybrid, 100% cotton wrap is suitable for newborns through toddlers and is safe for back carries unlike traditional stretchy wraps.
Not prone to pulls or pilling, this wrap is easy care, which is always a plus for me! Just machine wash in a delicate setting with cold water and dry on delicate low heat! Ironing isn’t even necessary!
The long tapered tails make super sleek finishes. The silky-soft T-shirt-like material of this wrap is easy to work with and the hand-batiked designs are simply gorgeous.
Aphrodite is a brilliant purple with lovely silvery blue and gold squiggles and designs throughout the length of the wrap.
Sterling is a bold navy blue to silver-grey gradient to the middle of the wrap.
Sterling was our very first wrap!
I own many different types and styles of baby carriers but both Wrapsody Hybrids will always remain two of my very favorites. This is permastash!
And the baby is sound asleep. He has been since about 10 last night. This is ridiculous! I should be taking advantage of every second of sleep I can get, because nighttime sleep is rare these days. But Insomnia doesn’t care. Having a new baby means nothing to Insomnia. So I will be dead tired during the day, as usual, and wishing for a few moments of rest. Why is it so much easier for me to sleep during the day???
Anyway, I thought I would take this opportunity to write a little bit and share this very adorable picture of Addy and Baby EC…
Please excuse the mess in the background. It’s mostly just baby stuff, which has completely taken over the whole house. Who knew one tiny little being could take up so much space?!
Addy loves the baby. She seems very protective of him. If Baby EC is crying, Addy will follow me around and constantly meow until EC calms down. She also likes to sit on my lap with him. I was worried about how she would adjust, but it just seemed natural for her.
I should try to get some rest again. My alarm will go off in 2 hours and my day will begin. It feels good to be writing, and thank you for reading even though this post has been a boring one. I have plenty of exciting and interesting things to share, but my brain isn’t functioning well enough at the moment for any of that!
My sleeping burrito 😀
Baby EC arrived on September 22, 2015 at 3:21 pm via emergency cesarean section. He was very small… 5 pounds 8 ounces and 18 inches long. By the time we left the NICU, he was down to about 4 1/2 pounds.
He was so tiny and it was scary seeing so many tubes, wires and monitors on him. I couldn’t see him for 24 hours after he was born and a whole day aftet that before I held him for the first time.
He is now 10 weeks old. He weighs 9 pounds 5 ounces, and is 21 inches long. He is in the 1st percentile in both weight and height for baby boys his age… so he is still extremely small. He looks like a 2 week old instead of a 2 1/2 month old.
BUT. He is so alert and meeting his milestones on time so far. He is growing well from where he started, according to his pediatrician.
My whole pregnancy was very difficult, as was the birth.
We don’t know why he is so small. He had problems at birth that landed him immediately into the NICU. He did have an unknown true knot in the umbilical cord that could have been life-threatening if i hadnt needed a csection for other reasons. I freak out every time I think of how it could have gone down… I can’t imagine leaving that hospital without my precious little man.
Those were the longest and most difficult days in the NICU. My poor boy went through so much in the first days of his little life.
We are in a good place now. Baby EC seems to be healthy, although it will be some time before we are certain that there are no lasting effects of him breathing in fluid at birth and the lack of oxygen to his brain.
We will be going to a geneticist in a few months to test him for the connective tissue disorder I have. EC has a 50% chance of having Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. I pray that he doesn’t have that, or Chiari Malformation, the condition I have had 2 brain surgeries for. Both are genetic.
Despite the difficulties and stressful times we’ve been through in the past year, life with baby EC couldn’t be more perfect. He is absolutely amazing and stole my heart from the second I met him.
Today marks the 12th week of our pregnancy. It’s flying by so fast! Sighhh… I am really trying to savor every second of this pregnancy. A few days ago, I felt movement for the first time from the baby. It was miraculous!that tiny little flutter deep in my abdomen is the movements my precious tiny baby is making. There is no other feeling in the world that could even compare to this magnificent bliss. I can’t wait to meet my little son or daughter!.
Yes, it’s been a LONG time since I have posted here. Lots of big changes have been going on in the past few months.
It’s crazy how suddenly and drastically life can move into a different phase. Never in a million years would I have thought I would be typing a post containing these words, but… I am pregnant!!!
That’s right, I’m having a baby human! Also, in the short amount of time that I have been away from my blog, I have fallen in love and Addy & I have moved! No one could have ever convinced me that these things would happen. I wasn’t expecting any of it!
Regarding the pregnancy: I am now 10 weeks along. We had the first ultrasound done last Monday and hot to see the tiny little heart beating away!
There the little bean is! He or she is about the size of a cocktail shrimp right now!
Anyway, I am having to go back to Little Rock in a little over a week. This pregnancy is considered very high risk due to my health conditions, so I am seeing a few Maternal Fetal Medicine specialists there. It is already known that I will have to deliver by cesarean section.
We found out when I was only 4 weeks along. I have been so very sick this whole time… morning sickness my ass! It’s more like all day and night sickness! Despite losing weight and not being able to eat much or keep much down, my belly has already grown! I’m excited to feel the first movements.
This was shocking and totally unexpected, but a great blessing for sure. I hope everyone is doing well and also hope you will come with me on this amazing journey!
I dont. I don’t belong here at all. I belong in my city, the city I was born in. The city my parents stole
me away from when a I was 10 and the city I made it back to years later on my own. I need to be where everything is familiar and each art of that place gives me joy. The city knows me. It is a part of my heart and a part of my soul. They need to be reunited. Soon.
I remember my grandfather teaching me how to play gin-rummy. He taught me a lot of things really. I was always in awe of how much he knew about various subjects. Things he had learned over the course of his life, things perhaps his grandfather had taught him.
For some reason I started thinking about it today, and something struck me. In today’s world, all we have to do to learn about any given subject is type a few words into Google. The abundance of information is great, don’t get me wrong, but it makes me a little sad to know that the days of relying so heavily on the people we look up to, to teach us the things we desire to know, are past.