Today marks the 12th week of our pregnancy. It’s flying by so fast! Sighhh… I am really trying to savor every second of this pregnancy. A few days ago, I felt movement for the first time from the baby. It was miraculous!that tiny little flutter deep in my abdomen is the movements my precious tiny baby is making. There is no other feeling in the world that could even compare to this magnificent bliss. I can’t wait to meet my little son or daughter!.
Yes, it’s been a LONG time since I have posted here. Lots of big changes have been going on in the past few months.
It’s crazy how suddenly and drastically life can move into a different phase. Never in a million years would I have thought I would be typing a post containing these words, but… I am pregnant!!!
That’s right, I’m having a baby human! Also, in the short amount of time that I have been away from my blog, I have fallen in love and Addy & I have moved! No one could have ever convinced me that these things would happen. I wasn’t expecting any of it!
Regarding the pregnancy: I am now 10 weeks along. We had the first ultrasound done last Monday and hot to see the tiny little heart beating away!
There the little bean is! He or she is about the size of a cocktail shrimp right now!
Anyway, I am having to go back to Little Rock in a little over a week. This pregnancy is considered very high risk due to my health conditions, so I am seeing a few Maternal Fetal Medicine specialists there. It is already known that I will have to deliver by cesarean section.
We found out when I was only 4 weeks along. I have been so very sick this whole time… morning sickness my ass! It’s more like all day and night sickness! Despite losing weight and not being able to eat much or keep much down, my belly has already grown! I’m excited to feel the first movements.
This was shocking and totally unexpected, but a great blessing for sure. I hope everyone is doing well and also hope you will come with me on this amazing journey!
I dont. I don’t belong here at all. I belong in my city, the city I was born in. The city my parents stole
me away from when a I was 10 and the city I made it back to years later on my own. I need to be where everything is familiar and each art of that place gives me joy. The city knows me. It is a part of my heart and a part of my soul. They need to be reunited. Soon.
I remember my grandfather teaching me how to play gin-rummy. He taught me a lot of things really. I was always in awe of how much he knew about various subjects. Things he had learned over the course of his life, things perhaps his grandfather had taught him.
For some reason I started thinking about it today, and something struck me. In today’s world, all we have to do to learn about any given subject is type a few words into Google. The abundance of information is great, don’t get me wrong, but it makes me a little sad to know that the days of relying so heavily on the people we look up to, to teach us the things we desire to know, are past.
1. Sitting on the roof of my house as a teenager, listening to music and smoking cigarettes
2. Chaos Theory
3. My winter plan of holing up inside my place for long periods of time as a I spend hours playing World of Warcraft or equally time-consuming games or read books or cook or sell things on ebay, all the while never ever leaving my home.
4. How much I like and feel at peace to mow yards and how I would like to mow yards again. Not random yards… but maybe my dad’s yard.
5. Revisit my plan to go swimming 3 times a week, walking and tanning once a day… and follow through.
6. Photography of cats and how I can develop a unique enough style to make Addycat an Internet sensation
7. Various ways there are to color my hair purple and which should I actually try…
8. A plan to make some extra income
9. Ideas for a recipe book
10. Ways I can better stay in touch with the people that I love
Okay that’s a list of 10 things… we shall see if it helps when I start writing about these 10 things.
She was 29 years old. Full of life, despite a troublesome past, she had contentment for once. She had found someone who she thought she belonged with. He was part of a motorcycle club, and she enjoyed the excitement of the lifestyle. They had recently moved in together in a nice house in a suburb of a big city. There was always something going on. She got a job in the UA department of a company that specialized in the treatment of alcoholics and addicts. Her name was Kasper.
Kasper was on a camping trip with her boyfriend and a few other friends when she got the call about the job with the UA department. A lady named Rita had interviewed her a few days prior, and she was the one who called with the good news. She asked how soon Kasper could come into the office to fill out the paperwork. Kasper explained that she was camping about an hour and a half away, but that she would be there as soon as possible.
Kasper looked at her boyfriend, Mac. Mac was very tall and skinny, but a biker in every sense of the word. His long blond hair was tied back and a bandana topped his head. His blue eyes were piercing. Nevermind that he was 19 years her senior, Kasper believed that age was only a number.
“Who was that,” Mac asked.
“I got the job,” Kasper replied with a big smile. “I have to go fill out all my paperwork so I can start tomorrow!”
Mac looked annoyed, but offered to drive Kasper back into the city. Kasper didn’t think much about his reaction, she was too excited about the job. She was ready to get back into the workforce after being off for what she considered way too long, after having a complicated surgery.
I want love. The kind of love I’ve read about in fairy tales and great romance novels, not the torturous kind I’ve only known in this life so far.
I really don’t believe anymore that it actually exists, but if it does, it must be quite rare and therefore, the chances of it finding me are slight.
This is a depressing thought. Maybe I am destined to be alone for the rest of my days. Being alone suits me alright most of the time, but when the lonely comes, I feel it’s presence to the very core of my being… and it makes me cold. So cold.
That coldness is difficult for me to bear. It’s a physical and emotional coldness that no blanket can take the chill from. The only thing that helps at all when I get like this, is Addycat.
I doubt I will ever meet anyone who could truly understand me as I am, anyone I would actually have many things in common with, anyone who could love such a broken and chronically ill person like me.
Here’s a thought though… to keep what miniscule amount of hope I have left in finding someone, alive, I think I will start writing to that person. Here. In my blog. Maybe I will never have that special person to show the entries to, but if a miracle happens, and I do, then I will be glad I wrote them.
Of pain pills and sleeping meds.
Today was mostly uneventful, aside from the PayPal fiasco this morning.
What, you may wonder, was the PayPal fiasco? (Probably you’re not wondering that at all, but I’m gonna tell you anyway)
I ordered a new phone from eBay a couple of days ago, and PayPal wouldn’t let me use my debit card to complete my transaction for some still unknown reason. So… I decided to put the money on a prepaid PayPal card. Of course, my luck is ridiculously bad most of the time… so I ended up having to jump through a trillion hoops to finally get the damn thing to work. (That number might be a tiny bit exaggerated).
Why can’t anything ever just go smoothly and easily?
Things like that really get me worked up, to the point where my head feels like it is buzzing… and not in a good way.
I know I need to go back on anxiety meds, but healthcare where I live sucks. I’m not willing to go through that level of stress just yet because I know it’s going to overwhelm me and ultimately pissed me off to the point of snapping, before I will actually be able to get the help I need.
Anyway. Here is a picture of dinner tonight… Meat Lasagna, Garlic Bread, and a salad with purple onion, peppered tomatoes and radishes.
There is no real significance to this, other than I like my posts to contain at least one photo. Addycat wasn’t being an agreeable subject, so the inanimate food became my target instead.
I started writing this, thinking something profound might appear on the screen, but alas… I have just watched the cursor blink for thirty consecutive seconds.
Great. A blinking blue cursor is more interesting than any of the jumbled thoughts in my brain.
At least I’m writing again. I keep telling myself that I need to write each day, even if I have nothing to say. The trouble is, whoever happens to read these posts are bound to get bored and not read anymore. Then when or if I ever do write something interesting, important and profound, there will be no one left to read it. Sigh. Such a dilemma…
So I decided to look back on some of my past posts. I do this from time to time, and when I do, I usually end up deleting some of them… I wish now that I hadn’t deleted so many. Some are difficult for me to read because they take me to places that I don’t want to revisit. But still, I think it’s important to remember those times. Remembering them can make a person grateful for how far they have come and remind them that, no matter how bad the situation, we always manage to make it through.
I’m still very broken but I’ve managed to live on.